Today is the day after...
I was afraid of the extreme pain yesterday would bring.
It was my 27th wedding anniversary... and I do know that there is not going to be a 28th. I did spend a lovely day at the beach with two awesome women. I allowed myself to get a terrible sunburn. I wonder if that was some pseudo-psycho trick I played on myself... letting my skin burn and feel physical pain.
One year ago, I was looking forward to spending my entire life with my husband. We celebrated our 26 years of marriage, walking hand and hand, smiling and sharing together... through the actual church that we had recited our marriage vows to Dr. Robert Fife
on August 20, 1983.
Suddenly today, it's all lost.
It wasn't as though we haven't had our trauma... our difficulties. I just honestly believed in my heart that we had made it all this way...
God was loving and protective and I felt sure our marriage was HIS. I never dreamed we would be divorcing. I struggle with the idea that we (he and I) are completely cutting ties, things are gross, unkind, angry, very sad.
I still love him. How can this be? How can I still feel this profound love?
He spoke to me the night before our 27th anniversary. He denied that we were legally married (a technical thing, but we are.) At first, I almost felt we were finding a way to communicate. He started out by reminding me of some philanthropic things he has done for my family. I was grateful to him and told him so. I felt sympathy for him... I wanted him to not hurt.
The conversation turned ugly when I held my ground. I told him that I did not want to be treated "like an idiot"... I insisted that all I wanted was a fair outcome. 27years of marriage, two kids and all that goes with building a life.
Long story short, it went right back to GROSS. This was the evening before our anniversary. The photographs of every anniversary were flashing through my mind. The years of struggle were worth every tear. We had survived so much and we loved. I had imagined he (or I) could suffer some awful sudden catastrophic illness. I worried. I knew the stress we lived with was dangerous. I never imagined we would self-destruct and in such a huge way.
NOW, I do believe that there are influences, worldly, ungodly influences that can change the sanctity of marriage. Aside from the information that came to light this year, or my visceral reaction, unkind actions, words, thoughts my own human defects of character... deep inside my heart, there was a tiny space for hope. I am not saying that is gone yet. I think no matter what a court says, or what others say, I am always going to love and long for my husband.
He did tell me, however, that he had 'moved on'. That someone had moved into my place in our home, was cooking in my kitchen, using my things (a woman specifically, along with his brother who is apparently without a home) He told me he needed a companion. He told me he needed romance. He said that 'I did this to him...' that 'I had set this in motion'. Like the photographs in my mind of our anniversaries through the years, I was seeing flashing visions of 'Vanny' and 'Grace', and 'Julie' (all adopted alias names) and the searches on the Internet for illicit, instant sexual gratification involving other individuals/multiple different people... without human connection and sometimes just 1000s of moving photographic images. I was seeing first hand his vulgar, deviant way of just giving me a little bit of himself or I should say his way of giving me his deviant vulgar self... I was craving his heart, his touch, his presence for years. I wanted him and I missed him. I even told him. I begged him. I wanted to help recapture what I thought was gone... It wasn't gone, it just wasn't with me. There were some excuses. I believed them.
As I read these PITIFUL words, I wonder with a critical heart... how can I still love him? Who is the idiot? I know reasonable people will see this from the outside looking in, some others have just closed their eyes. I begged fellow Christians for their help, prayer, intervention. I heard a flat, emphatic no
(don't want to get involved), uncomfortable resistance, backs turned away, friendships lost, loved ones lost...
I can see how the worldly things,
anger, lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, envy, pride one at a time have eroded what was good and special. I am terrified, though, by just how destructive, devastating, and real the aftermath is. There is a living presence, an evil presence that moved in... took up residence, mocked, and eroded. Slowly but surely, one by one... the things that were good, the things that were pure, the things that were worthwhile were gone.
SO.... I got through the day. I am still an idiot. My heart still feels attached. I am hearing his words, though. He does not care. He has not cared. He will not care. He could care less and when he spoke the words 'I love you' to me last (on June 15 2010 in person... and by phone, June 19, 2010) he was lying. I don't know when he last said "I love you" to me, and honestly felt love. I do believe when he said he has moved on. He is just a little sketchy on those dates. He moved on long ago. I wish he had let me know.... before I let myself be violated...
OH, well. At least I feel the sunburn. It reminds me that I do feel.
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